My new normal started the day I lost my mom. I had to accept this new life without the most important person in it. Let me tell you, you don't realize how much a person does for you until they are gone and you are left to pick up the pieces.
11th grade, I should have been choosing a college but instead I was being asked to make an impossible decision, if I wanted my mom to pass away at home or at Hospice and then I was having to choose a headstone. College was literally the last thing on my mind, I wasn't a normal high school girl anymore and would never be the same person.
There are so many things I never got to say to my mom and I can only hope that she knew. I'm sorry I was so naive and optimistic that I thought God would heal you just because I asked Him to. I wish I had spent more time with you but it was so hard watching the light and life slowly fade from your eyes. No words can express the helplessness one feels as they watch a loved one in pain and know there is nothing they can do to take it away.
Time doesn't heal all wounds, you just learn to live with the scars. The smile that people see everyday took awhile to be genuine again after losing her, it was fake and forced to cover the pain I had buried so deep down.
Everyone would say "she's in a better place" and "at least she's no longer in pain" but all I could think was she isn't in a better place because she's not with me and I wish she wasn't in pain to begin with. I wish such a beautiful soul wasn't taken away from me when I still had so much to learn from her, so much I wanted to know.
My mom has been on my mind a lot lately since this April will be 15 years since her passing. It's so strange because in some ways it doesn't feel like it's been that long, but at the same time it feels like it's been forever without her.
She was the most selfless person I have every met, always putting my sister and I first. In her final days all she could worry about is if her family would be ok without her. She was the glue that held our family together and I tried so hard to take her place but most days I feel like I'm failing.
My worst fear is forgetting her. Her kind eyes and one of a kind laughter that could cheer anyone up. Sometimes she could be a little much, but it's only because she wanted what was best for us and now being a mother myself I can understand.
Whenever I think I'm forgetting her I just look at myself in the mirror and I see her. She never really left me, I carry her in my heart everyday.
I recently received the best compliment from a family member--- Thank you Leslie! This meant so much to me!
"When we came into Luna a couple of weeks ago and it was the first I had seen you and heard you speak ( probably since childhood) I was blown away...it was as if your mom was standing right there! You look like her you sound like her and your body language is just like her. She would be so proud of you! She was an amazing strong Christian women and what she always wanted most for you girls is to be strong, kind Christian women...I know you're making her very proud"
I know that she would want my family to be happy and to make the most out of the life that we were given. She's watching over us and I just hope and pray we are making her proud. <3
She was the most selfless person I have every met, always putting my sister and I first. In her final days all she could worry about is if her family would be ok without her. She was the glue that held our family together and I tried so hard to take her place but most days I feel like I'm failing.
My worst fear is forgetting her. Her kind eyes and one of a kind laughter that could cheer anyone up. Sometimes she could be a little much, but it's only because she wanted what was best for us and now being a mother myself I can understand.
Whenever I think I'm forgetting her I just look at myself in the mirror and I see her. She never really left me, I carry her in my heart everyday.
I recently received the best compliment from a family member--- Thank you Leslie! This meant so much to me!
"When we came into Luna a couple of weeks ago and it was the first I had seen you and heard you speak ( probably since childhood) I was blown away...it was as if your mom was standing right there! You look like her you sound like her and your body language is just like her. She would be so proud of you! She was an amazing strong Christian women and what she always wanted most for you girls is to be strong, kind Christian women...I know you're making her very proud"
I know that she would want my family to be happy and to make the most out of the life that we were given. She's watching over us and I just hope and pray we are making her proud. <3
"Hallelujah
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
You got to see the person that I have become
Spread your wing
And I know that when God took you back he said Hallelujah
You're home"
